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More 511th Jokes and Humor

This 11th entry from the annals of 511th MI Company history is a continuation of the jokes that I introduced in my last post. As a quick reminder, these entries were all collected from the voluminous number of utterly useless messages that we sent back and forth between the EW platoons over the ASAS datalink system in the TRQ-32s.


The Official EW2 List of Things "Not to Do with Coffee"

  1. Don't make oatmeal with coffee
  2. Don't drink mess hall coffee after eating red lifesavers
  3. Don't drink mess hall coffee, period
  4. Don't let Paski near a full cup of coffee while on pos, unless you want to wear it
  5. Don't pour coffee on your Lt.
  6. Don't share coffee with your T&A team, unless you plan to resupply them forever
  7. Don't let Alex, Fred, or J.J. near a full pot of coffee and an ASAS Datalink
  8. Don't wash your field socks in coffee
  9. Don't use coffee as brake, hydraulic, or windshield wiper fluid (However, you can use it for rust removal)
  10. Don't yodel with your mouth full of coffee
  11. Don't puke, piss, or pop pimples in a pot of coffee
  12. Don't deploy to the field without lots of it

(J.J. Simmons and Bob McMurray, "Caravan Guard" 1989)

A Story

[Note: As if we hadn’t picked on 1LT Stahl enough, I wrote the following story about him. (Of course, D.A.T. means "Dumb Ass Tanker".)]

Once upon a time, all was well in E.W. land. The birds were singing and the jammers were jamming. Happiness just seemed to flow from everything about the EWites. Their lives were simple yet full of good cheer. They truly loved the work that they did and fancied to themselves that maybe it was important for some reason.

But then one day, "IT" came to town. The dreaded D.A.T.-Beast that they had all heard rumors of. There was no way to stop it. No way to prepare. No time to run or hide. It fell upon the helpless EWites and viscously attacked them. It tore at their very hearts as if it derived joy from seeing others suffer. It held no concept of the work that they tried so hard to do. It scarred their precious COMSEC habits. It had no life of its own, and thus it began to feed on the lives of others like some inhuman vampire of man's very essence.

It possessed no concept of right or wrong. It sought only self-importance and personal gain - the incredible irony to the role in which it chose to masquerade itself; an Army officer. By design the title should reflect an attitude of responsibility, accompanied by a genuine sense of caring for the well-being of its subordinates. But the Beast held not one endearing trait as a leader of men. A thoughtless, soulless specter shaped like a man. An empty, hollow shell that somehow tried to crush the will of others to bring itself some sadistic form of pleasure.

In its arrogance and pride, it has the audacity to raise its head in a flare of self-righteous temper and cry, "How dare you question my judgment?" when its imperfections are exposed. But therein lies its tragic flaw; for no puffed up ego that rests upon one's shoulders can lay low enough to duck through every door. Sooner or later it comes crashing to the ground at the wrong time yet in the right place, and if all luck prevails the Beast will die in some strange way. The hope remains that this mass of flesh that torments man will indeed fall prey to the traps that it laid for others, and some as yet unseen force will attack and purge this cancerous ego infection from the Beast, leaving enough to mold into a shape more closely resembling a man.

(Bob "Fred" McMurray, "Bold Lancer" 1989)

The World: Man's Future Foretold...

Life as we know it, has ended.
The nations of the world have all been devastated by a massive nuclear war.
Civilization is no more.
The peoples of the world are massing together in an effort to reclaim their lives.
The leader of the masses has been designated Emperor of the World.
The Emperor has maintained order in America the ten years since WWIII.
Very few oppose the emperor; those who do wish for a quick death.
Damnation of the rebels is personally levied by the hand of the emperor:
J.J. Slayer.
Are you damned in this Hell???????

(J.J. Simmons, Caravan Guard, 1989)

Bad DF-Ville (Sung to the tune of Margaritaville)

Wasting away again in Bad DF-Ville,
Searching for my lost OPFOR freq.
Some people say that there's an LT to blame,
But I know, that it's all TCAE's fault.

DF's and fixes, we all know what we're missin'.
We don't have a clue where the enemy stays.
"Gimme a grid square...I don't care where,"
That's all we hear from the TCAE goons.
But it don't matter, ignore the radio chatter.
Don't even bother, you'll be jumping real soon.

Wasting away again in Bad DF-Ville,
Searching for my lost OPFOR freq.
Some people say that the Blue LT is to blame,
But I know, that it's all TCAE's fault.

(Bill  McCollum, Hohenfels 1990)


That wraps it up for this post, but I have a few more jokes in my files to post in the future.

Posted: Feb 05 2011, 03:34 by Bob | Comments (0)
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511th Jokes and Humor

This post marks the 10th installment in my series on the 511th MI Company. So far I have posted all of the lists that I had collected, and I've included some stories along the way. Today's post is a little different - I also collected a bunch of jokes that the ESM squads from the two EW platoons sent back and forth over the TRQ-32's ASAS system. I thought that it might be amusing to let everyone see what we thought was funny at the time. ;-]

In the text file that I had used to collect these jokes I had added the following dedication:

These works best represent the attitudes and feelings shared by most who have sat rack upon the "Pos of Sorrow" at one time or another. They are not always intended to offend, though they sometimes do, but rather to show a rare moment of humor in what might otherwise be a dull and boring life.

To all who wear the Blackhorse, I say with the utmost of heartfelt sincerity and emotion, "Get out of the Army while you still can!"

For each of the jokes that were sent, I managed to write down who sent them and what field problem we were deployed on when I collected them.


Selected Titles from the J. Irwin Rumplemeyer Memorial Book Club

There are many titles to chose from when you join the J. Irwin Rumplemeyer Memorial Book Club. Famous authors, quality works.

  • Trotting across Zaire
  • I suck, you suck (Speak for yourself, Spanky)
  • The Spankmeister of Fulda Gap
  • Thermonuclear Racquetball: Applied theories
  • Opussum Huntin' with Billy Bob Redneck
  • The Chairborne Rangers: Tales from the Orderly Room
  • How to make two small hats from a brassiere
  • John Carter, Warlord of Mars versus Andy Griffith
  • Roadkill: It's not just for breakfast anymore
  • Tremble your way to fitness
  • Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway
  • Getting the point across with Plastique
  • The Donner Party Cookbook: Frontier recipes with a twist
  • It's not easy being a complete Putz: Biography of an XO
  • The Black and Decker home facial reconstruction kit
  • The Petroleum Jelly Diet
  • What every 98G should know, but doesn't ask.  (Who cares!)
  • Dude, get a clue.
  • Coming of age, new NCO's speak out.
  • Gandhi, story of an abused child.
  • Does Fu Man Chu?
  • Thatcher and Reagan: Portrait of a lust affair
  • The life and times of 34 extremely short Saints
  • True Confessions: I was a Democrat!!
  • "Is safe sex in a car, intercourse with the seatbelts on?"
  • How to net with a 32(V) and get a date at the same time
  • Sex and the 98G, or Wahhh!!
  • Spanking: An in-depth study of milk and ************
  • Milk:  It's not just for drinking!
  • Field Duty: It's not just a job, it's boring!!!!!
  • Toxic Dumps: A guide to vacationing in America

(By Dave Paski, "Bold Lancer" 1989)

Note: I believe that Paski's "Biography of an XO" book was in reference to 1LT Stahl, who was thrust on the 511th for several months as Company XO until our CO managed to find a way to push him off on some other unsuspecting Company.

The 10 Top Heavy Metal Albums of All Time

  1. Burl Ives - "Chainsaw Lust"
  2. Slim Whitman - "Satan and a Six Pack"
  3. Roger Whitaker - "Dance, Bitch, Dance"
  4. Boxcar Willy - "Hobo Hell"
  5. Mormon Tabernacle Choir - "Sacrifice Two out of Three Wives"
  6. Boston Pops - "Belial's Orchestra"
  7. Mitch Miller - "Backwards Singalongs"
  8. Roy Clark - "Even **** Rot"
  9. Engelbert Humperdink - "Vanity for my Soul"
  10. Buck Owens - "I hope that Roy Clark rots"

(J.J. Simmons, "Bold Lancer" 1989)

The F.B.I.'s Latest Wanted Dead List

  1. Lt. McNeil (Alias "Spanky") - Wanted for impersonating an Officer
  2. Sgt. Smith - Wanted for impersonating a mature person
  3. Sgt. Degrood - Wanted for impersonating Dumbo
  4. Spc. Paski - Wanted for impersonating Sgt. Smith
  5. Spc. Dodge - Wanted for impregnating sheep

(J.J. Simmons, "Bold Lancer" 1989)

Five Reasons Why Not to Yodel in the Woods

  1. The Boars only like country
  2. It causes diarrhea in rodents
  3. It causes spontaneous itching in embarrassing places
  4. Burl Ives would sue
  5. It turns Bill Magan on

(J.J. Simmons, "Caravan Guard" 1989)


That's it for now - I'll post more in future notes.

Posted: Feb 03 2011, 02:17 by Bob | Comments (0)
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