Bicycle-Friendly Rock Classics
01 April 2017 • by bob • Bicycling, Humor
I first mentioned this in my Ride Notes for Cool Breeze 2015 blog, but I like to rewrite classic rock songs with a cycling theme while I'm out on my weekly rides. As a reminder of past contributions, I came up with the following offerings during the Cool Breeze Century:
- Sung to the tune of "Safety Dance":
"We can pass if you want to,
We can leave your friends behind.
'Cause your friends can't climb, and if they can't climb -
Well they're no friends of mine." - Sung to the tune of "Hotel California":
"Welcome to the Cool Breeze California,
Such a tiring race, such a grueling pace.
You'll question your mind at the Cool Breeze California:
I'm no competitor; why'd I register?" - Sung to the tune of "Margaritaville":
"Climbing the hills again in California,
Wondering why I'm still here at all.
Some people say that there's a friend I can blame,
But I know - it's my own dang fault."
During this week's ride (on a particularly blustery day) I penned the following:
- Sung to the tune of Jim Croce's "You Don't Mess Around with Jim":
"You don't coast on all of your downhills,
You don't ride into the wind,
You don't pass the leader before the first mile marker,
And you don't buy a bike from Schwinn."
New Political Terms
22 January 2017 • by bob • Politics, Rants, Humor
Given the recent performances of many public figures on the left, I have coined a new phrase:
hypocrat [hip-uh-krat]
noun
- a liberal who condemns the actions of a non-liberal, while at the same time defending or dismissing the actions of another liberal
- a liberal who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, especially a liberal whose actions contradict stated beliefs
- a liberal who feigns some desirable or publicly-approved attitude, especially a liberal whose private life, opinions, or statements contradict his or her public statements
UPDATE: Sadly, it appears as though I was not the first person to think up this term:
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Hypocrat
Oh well. 
Painful Childhood Memories
11 January 2017 • by bob • Humor, Family
Okay, I have a confession to make - when I was very young, and by that I mean several months younger than the age of two, I was traumatized by the letter "Z."
Now I know what you're thinking; and it sounds ridiculous, right? But I knew that the letter "Z" was out to get me - and I had proof.
First of all, I was convinced that the letter "Z" was a real, live animal. And I knew this for a fact because I had learned that on Sesame Street. Here is living proof:
You can see my point, can't you? The letter "Z" obviously had a mind of its own; it had an attitude, it was reckless and passive aggressive, and it seemed to bring out the worst in Kermit the Frog. There was no mistake about it in my mind: the letter "Z" was a nasty character, and it was something which I wanted nothing to do with.
And yet, the letter "Z" had somehow followed me home, and it was living in my backyard. I saw it there - every day - lurking just outside the sliding glass door, and watching my every move.
But what was even more unsettling for me was the fact that my parents, who were supposed to love me, would plop me down in my high chair and turn it so that I was facing outside. And there I would sit, staring at my nemesis, who wouldn't move an inch. The letter "Z" was sizing me up, and I knew that it was waiting to see if I would fall asleep in my high chair... and then it would attack. So I kept my eyes open, and I never took naps in that house. Oh sure, that meant that I was cranky toddler, but that wasn't my fault; I was a victim of my circumstances, and my parents needed to pay for their transgressions.
Thankfully, I no longer live in that house. Our family moved, and the letter "Z" did not appear to have followed us. But I remember vividly what that terrifying scene looked like every day, and here is my feeble attempt at an artist's rendition...
You can say what you want, but I'm telling you the truth - that letter "Z" was out there; and somewhere in the back of my mind, I'm sure that it still is.
Why Some People Join the Air Force Instead of a Real Branch of Service
03 January 2017 • by bob • Military, Humor
An old Army buddy of mine recently posted the following joke on Facebook:
WHY I JOINED THE AIR FORCE
DoD was conducting an "All Service" briefing and the leader posed this question:
"What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?"
A Sailor said, "I'd step on it."
A Soldier said, "I'd squash it with my boot."
A Marine said, "I'd catch it, break the stinger off, and eat it."
An Airman said, "I'd call the concierge desk and find out why there was a tent in my room."
Truer words were never spoken. 
Goodbye 2016 - Hello 2017
01 January 2017 • by bob • Politics, History, Humor
Well, suffice it to say that 2016 was a weird year. The United States endured one of the worst presidential elections in decades, in which Americans were forced to choose between two utterly non-presidential candidates. (And of course, everyone on the planet knows how that turned out.)
Nevertheless, one of my favorite traditions each New Year is to read Dave Barry's Year in Review, which examines all of the newsworthy items for the past 12 months. Dave's reviews always remind me that no matter how stupid things seemed to be during the previous year, we should each take a moment to step back and thoughtfully contemplate just how stupid things really were...
And with that in mind, here is Dave's year-in-review for 2016:
Dave Barry's Year in Review: 2016 - What the ... ?
1980s Music Videos
05 December 2016 • by bob • Music, Humor
My wife was mentioning how the following pseudo-80s music video for "Pop! Goes My Heart" from the movie "Music and Lyrics" was ridiculous...
I replied that the video from the movie was make-believe; if she really wanted to see a cheesy 1980s music video, she should watch Dokken's "Breaking The Chains"...
It's like a train wreck - it's a disaster, but you can't stop watching...
Bob's Presidential Campaign: Recap
29 November 2016 • by bob • Campaigning, Politics
Remember how I was running for President?
Well, it turns out that I would have won both the electoral college in a landslide AND the popular vote if you deduct the millions of people who didn't actually vote for me.
The Internet Is Down
21 October 2016 • by bob • Computers, Humor
You know, for all those hundreds of times that my kids would tell me "The Internet is Down," today the Internet actually goes down and none of my kids lived at home to complain about it. I'm not sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing...
FYI - For news about the Internet outage, see the following URLs:
Bob's Presidential Campaign: Day 2
30 September 2016 • by bob • Campaigning
In an effort to quell the rumors, I have to be honest; I did run a private email server in my basement...
But it's okay, I deleted all the emails when I was done with it.
Bob's Presidential Campaign: Day 1
29 September 2016 • by bob • Campaigning
I have decided to run for President...
On day 1 of my campaign - I promise to institute mandatory siestas every afternoon.
My new campaign slogan: "Make America Snooze Again."
Alternate campaign slogan: "A Tired Man for Tiring Times..."